(no subject)

Times I cried today: Three ish. Once at work which was pretty much a total (silent) breakdown and involved two seperate slightly spaced out times that I was sitting at the computer crying (I can never tell if I'm glad or disappointed that no one notices. Is it possible to be both?) The second, which is the ish, was me sitting in the kitchen after work, before dishcrew, and just crying a little. i was trying not to, cause I know it upsets the boy, but they kept leaking out. And then I made it through dishcrew and through dinner and stayed busy enough to keep distracted from the idea that I was going to cry for several hours that I didn't cry, or even feel like crying. And then after dinner, a while after dinner, I was sitting in the kitchen, one of the girls had me get up to dance with her, and I just started crying, standing in the middle of the kitchen floor. I got hugs from a couple of the girls, and calmed down and washed my face and stopped being a freak. But it will come back. It always does.

We then played trivia pursuit, which I tend to rock at, even though I usually get everyone else's questions a lot easier than with my team. It was great fun, and we watched the olympics at the same time, and watched paul Hamm get the gold. I thought his last routine was as close to flawless as you'll find, but I'm not sure he deserves the gold--that was really some slip up during the vault. i mean, a judge put his arms up to block his oncomingness.


Okay, and now I'm *so* tired. so to bed for me. perchance to deam of a place where I can afford to live.

(no subject)

So someone commented in my last entry that it sounds like I'm clinically depressed. And for about 30 seconds, I considered being bothered by it. Because I'm not clinically depressed. I've been close sometimes, but I'm not. I know I tend towards borderline. I know there have been times that I probably would have really been helped by drugs. I also know that right now isn't one of them. I was thinking about this about for the past week, before all this happened. I had some bizarre anxiety attack about two weeks ago, and could feel myself wanting to panic and spiral and freak out. And instead I said, "don't be ridiculous." And I stopped. It was the oddest thing. I mean, I put on my headphones and listened to music, it wasn't completely unaided, and I did have anxiety dreams, but I didn't lie awake obsessing over stupid things. I was like, "wow. It worked." And then I was like, "Wow, I really am better." And here's the thing. I still am better. I'm freakishly upset about not getting to live there. Truly, I am. but it's not the same as it has been in a while, and it wasn't until I realised that, that I understood how much better I've gotten all along.

Of course, I still need to call my dad and set up the whole "going to need to borrow a massive sum of money" thing, which is scary enough by itself that I keep wanting to burst into tears when I think about that. And yesterday the director of the house did tell me that I'll get first dibs on the next opening in the house, but we'll see how that works. One of the boys in the house is really upset about the whole thing--he thinks I was treated very badly, and very inappropriately. And I don't know--on the one hand, I understand what his point is. but on the other hand, I'm just not nearly as upset about it as he is. I think there's two things--I think part of me just knew that I wouldn't get to stay there. And I can't see any way for this to work out without someone getting hurt. Either me or someone else. He is going to talk to the director today, maybe, about both the way things were handled with me and some other issues he's wondering about. There are policies and such set up that say how things are to be handled, but we only see the summarized version of them, so it's hard to tell if this actually violated residency policy, but he feels it does.


My favorite of today's work thus far:
Old Deluder Act A Massachusetts law passed in 1647 that strengthened an earlier law that required parents to educate their children by requiring citizens to support schools, which would in turn enable children to thwart the snares of Satan by their ability to read God's word in the Bible.

(no subject)

Oh. And as of...well, a couple of hours ago, I'm bad with math. 4ish hours ago, I think, I am the only one of my (close) HS friends still unmarried. Yay Shelle and Robert!

I'd meant to call her Monday or Tuesday and wish her luck and all that, but, alas, things kinda fell apart. And by things, I mean me. And by fell apart, I mean fell apart. So instead I'll call later, and for now I'll hope the wedding was flawless, the reception even more so, and that however perfect the day may be, that it never even makes the running for the best day of their lives. (*hopes the wording makes sense*)