(no subject)

[tanaise]

So someone commented in my last entry that it sounds like I'm clinically depressed. And for about 30 seconds, I considered being bothered by it. Because I'm not clinically depressed. I've been close sometimes, but I'm not. I know I tend towards borderline. I know there have been times that I probably would have really been helped by drugs. I also know that right now isn't one of them. I was thinking about this about for the past week, before all this happened. I had some bizarre anxiety attack about two weeks ago, and could feel myself wanting to panic and spiral and freak out. And instead I said, "don't be ridiculous." And I stopped. It was the oddest thing. I mean, I put on my headphones and listened to music, it wasn't completely unaided, and I did have anxiety dreams, but I didn't lie awake obsessing over stupid things. I was like, "wow. It worked." And then I was like, "Wow, I really am better." And here's the thing. I still am better. I'm freakishly upset about not getting to live there. Truly, I am. but it's not the same as it has been in a while, and it wasn't until I realised that, that I understood how much better I've gotten all along.

Of course, I still need to call my dad and set up the whole "going to need to borrow a massive sum of money" thing, which is scary enough by itself that I keep wanting to burst into tears when I think about that. And yesterday the director of the house did tell me that I'll get first dibs on the next opening in the house, but we'll see how that works. One of the boys in the house is really upset about the whole thing--he thinks I was treated very badly, and very inappropriately. And I don't know--on the one hand, I understand what his point is. but on the other hand, I'm just not nearly as upset about it as he is. I think there's two things--I think part of me just knew that I wouldn't get to stay there. And I can't see any way for this to work out without someone getting hurt. Either me or someone else. He is going to talk to the director today, maybe, about both the way things were handled with me and some other issues he's wondering about. There are policies and such set up that say how things are to be handled, but we only see the summarized version of them, so it's hard to tell if this actually violated residency policy, but he feels it does.


My favorite of today's work thus far:
Old Deluder Act A Massachusetts law passed in 1647 that strengthened an earlier law that required parents to educate their children by requiring citizens to support schools, which would in turn enable children to thwart the snares of Satan by their ability to read God's word in the Bible.

Comments

[everyonesakitty.livejournal.com]

We all need help thwarting the snares of satan. Good law, that one.

I like your sense of humor. :D

[hawleygriffen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, someone can be going through stressful, anxious times, like you, and obviously be affected by it without having a clinical disorder.

but it's not the same as it has been in a while, and it wasn't until I realised that, that I understood how much better I've gotten all along.

Yeah, that's something, at least. :)

Good luck with the phone call.

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

Well, I am depressed. I know this. The thing is that outside of situational depression, I'm not very depressed. It usually manifests as social anxiety/shyness, and a general quietness to my life, stuff that I can handle and know how to counteract.

[hawleygriffen.livejournal.com]

Sorry, badly worded. I didn't mean to imply you weren't depressed, just that it was, as you say, situational. If it came across as trivialising it, I apologise. I know what it's like to have money troubles hanging over you, though I'm lucky I've got somewhere to live while I work them out.