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I have found a new piece of art to covet:
I need a place with more walls.
I need a place with more walls.
Unbelievable Truth makes me very very happy, in a very very depressed sort of way. Despite this, I haven't listened to much of it at all here at work. It fills my 'least played' smart list, which I think is possibly my very favorite smart list, since I forget about music all the time. I probably use the highest rated one the most, but I like this one better.
I have carrot salad for lunch: raw shredded carrots, massive amounts of garlic, grated ginger, olive oil, and worcestershire sauce. mmmmm. granted, this makes the chance thatsomeone wants to make out with me in the stationery closet even less likely, but it never was much of a chance anyways, and I'm not even sure that there is a stationery closet anywhere around here. I think I'll probably have this for dinner as well. by which time I'll probably be orange, and able to kill an elephant at 20 paces with garlic fumes. mmm. I loff carrot salad. I called the house last night to be signed out for dinner, and said, "I don't care about anything else, but my save container must have carrot salad in it.
(and of course, given my skill at eating, I dripped carrot colored oil down the front of this shirt, so it has a little orang-ish blot on it now. Luckily no one will notice unless they're looking at my chest. So that should just be...well, everyone, really. )
I have carrot salad for lunch: raw shredded carrots, massive amounts of garlic, grated ginger, olive oil, and worcestershire sauce. mmmmm. granted, this makes the chance thatsomeone wants to make out with me in the stationery closet even less likely, but it never was much of a chance anyways, and I'm not even sure that there is a stationery closet anywhere around here. I think I'll probably have this for dinner as well. by which time I'll probably be orange, and able to kill an elephant at 20 paces with garlic fumes. mmm. I loff carrot salad. I called the house last night to be signed out for dinner, and said, "I don't care about anything else, but my save container must have carrot salad in it.
(and of course, given my skill at eating, I dripped carrot colored oil down the front of this shirt, so it has a little orang-ish blot on it now. Luckily no one will notice unless they're looking at my chest. So that should just be...well, everyone, really. )
I wanna...I wanna...I wanna be adored
Nov. 17th, 2003 02:01 amI'm having a very frustrating time writing lately. I'm getting to the point that I don't really want any of the short stories that are out to sell, cause they're sucky. I mean, I love them, but not unconditionally. And I think really, the only stories I should have looking for homes should be unconditionally loved, because if I know they're flawed, shouldn't I fix them?
I can't get anything to work right lately. I feel like I'm plateauing again, except I haven't really been writing much at all in so long as it is, I don't think I can be already again.
I have opened so many of my long-time problem stories this week that it's ridiculous, but I'm not sure what I want to do with them just yet, so I just poke about and then close them.
I've got a focus chat the first week in December or so, and I think I'm going to run Blinding through it because it does really need to be about twice to three times as long, but I'm not entirely sure how to do that--make every scene longer? Add more scenes? Likewise, Bough is gorgeous and I adore it, but the scenes are all summaries, which will make it approximately too long once I spell them all out.
I'm pondering opening Requiem and fiddling with it for a bit, as I'm *so* close to finished with it, I think. It's all the ending that needs work right now, and I'm almost done sorting out one of the big issues with it--giving Duck a role in it, but still letting it be Adrian's story. I do need to set up the parent's attitude a little--they're very much, "oops, too bad, guess she's really dead, time to move on with our life" and I don't want it to come across as that, I want it to be quiet resignation--"we'd so hoped for good news, but this is what we were expecting deep down inside, so c'est la vie, at least we were prepared and can mourn her now." Because truly, what Adrian does is something that no one's ever even thought about before. And I'm not getting that across well enough, and it frustrates me because everyone who reads it wants me to correct it one way, and that's not the right way, but I haven't really put my finger on what makes everyone turn that way. Though it's clearly something in the scene with the parents. Hmm. I wonder if I should mention what he *should* do with Puppy, and what he chooses to do. I wonder if maybe that little bit is what keeps people from understanding what he's doing and why it's unusual. Because most people working his job aren't sensitives--those people usually join Communications/Seances if they're going to join the force at all. Forensics usually just gets given the cases by the sensitives to look into and make sure there isn't an issue there that would result in the non-Mourning. They have no direct communication with the ghosts, just trance notes and automatic writing type things from Communications (he's not just a sensitive, he's *very* sensitive--communications really wants him. They're in charge of laying ghosts, and someone who can interact directly with them is exactly what they want.) So there's a lot of paperwork, a good bit of research and cross-checking--the ghost claims to have died in such-and-such a manner, there's a Jane doe who died in that manner, do they match up? Can their name be found?--and a lot of closing the file for now and moving on. I'll have to open it up tomorrow and see what the story looks like.
I was listening to a guy talk about his version of Persephone and Hades that he'd just produced (music, of the choral/classical sort) and wished mildly that I could get coaltown to work the way it's supposed to. It's hibernating now. I know I"m missing something key about it, and until I sort that out, it's not going to fall into place. So if anyone is bored and wants to read it and discuss it with me, please do. Because I'm going to have to talk it over and over and over until something clicks. But I'm not actively trying to write it for now.
And now it's way late, so I'm off to bed.
I can't get anything to work right lately. I feel like I'm plateauing again, except I haven't really been writing much at all in so long as it is, I don't think I can be already again.
I have opened so many of my long-time problem stories this week that it's ridiculous, but I'm not sure what I want to do with them just yet, so I just poke about and then close them.
I've got a focus chat the first week in December or so, and I think I'm going to run Blinding through it because it does really need to be about twice to three times as long, but I'm not entirely sure how to do that--make every scene longer? Add more scenes? Likewise, Bough is gorgeous and I adore it, but the scenes are all summaries, which will make it approximately too long once I spell them all out.
I'm pondering opening Requiem and fiddling with it for a bit, as I'm *so* close to finished with it, I think. It's all the ending that needs work right now, and I'm almost done sorting out one of the big issues with it--giving Duck a role in it, but still letting it be Adrian's story. I do need to set up the parent's attitude a little--they're very much, "oops, too bad, guess she's really dead, time to move on with our life" and I don't want it to come across as that, I want it to be quiet resignation--"we'd so hoped for good news, but this is what we were expecting deep down inside, so c'est la vie, at least we were prepared and can mourn her now." Because truly, what Adrian does is something that no one's ever even thought about before. And I'm not getting that across well enough, and it frustrates me because everyone who reads it wants me to correct it one way, and that's not the right way, but I haven't really put my finger on what makes everyone turn that way. Though it's clearly something in the scene with the parents. Hmm. I wonder if I should mention what he *should* do with Puppy, and what he chooses to do. I wonder if maybe that little bit is what keeps people from understanding what he's doing and why it's unusual. Because most people working his job aren't sensitives--those people usually join Communications/Seances if they're going to join the force at all. Forensics usually just gets given the cases by the sensitives to look into and make sure there isn't an issue there that would result in the non-Mourning. They have no direct communication with the ghosts, just trance notes and automatic writing type things from Communications (he's not just a sensitive, he's *very* sensitive--communications really wants him. They're in charge of laying ghosts, and someone who can interact directly with them is exactly what they want.) So there's a lot of paperwork, a good bit of research and cross-checking--the ghost claims to have died in such-and-such a manner, there's a Jane doe who died in that manner, do they match up? Can their name be found?--and a lot of closing the file for now and moving on. I'll have to open it up tomorrow and see what the story looks like.
I was listening to a guy talk about his version of Persephone and Hades that he'd just produced (music, of the choral/classical sort) and wished mildly that I could get coaltown to work the way it's supposed to. It's hibernating now. I know I"m missing something key about it, and until I sort that out, it's not going to fall into place. So if anyone is bored and wants to read it and discuss it with me, please do. Because I'm going to have to talk it over and over and over until something clicks. But I'm not actively trying to write it for now.
And now it's way late, so I'm off to bed.
Revised The Goddess Afoot again. First time I've revised it, really. I had been trying to make it circular, but it confused everyone, so I fixed that. It should be less confusing in that way now, but I'm wondering if I made everything else more confusing with something else I did to cut down on the confusion. We'll see.
And I keep futzing with Clanless, and I'm not getting anywhere with the first chapter. I know it needs a new first chapter, because the one it has now starts with the wrong issues. And I know what it needs to start with instead--she has to get dumped by her boyfriend for not wanting to settle down, and told by her job that she's never going to make it anywhere unless she makes a lifetime commitment to the force. But I can't seem to make this chapter work. Hell, I can't even make this chapter start. Meh.
And I keep futzing with Clanless, and I'm not getting anywhere with the first chapter. I know it needs a new first chapter, because the one it has now starts with the wrong issues. And I know what it needs to start with instead--she has to get dumped by her boyfriend for not wanting to settle down, and told by her job that she's never going to make it anywhere unless she makes a lifetime commitment to the force. But I can't seem to make this chapter work. Hell, I can't even make this chapter start. Meh.
I hate having meltdowns. Go away if you hate reading about them.
I'm freaking out about grad school and doing *nothing* right now. I need to ask people for recommendation letters, but I'm scared to. I pretty much decided I want to go to Umich because I want to go to Umich--I have no idea about the quality of their program, just that it looks like I'd be able to study what I want to study, they have teachers who may have studied similar things, and my language requirements are all but met at least on paper. but I have no idea if they're a good place to go for this. I have other places I'd like to go too, but I'm sure beyond a doubt that I'm not good enough to go there. And I'll apply there because I'm like that and I don't care, but I'm scared to ask my advisor to write me a letter of recommendation because he was my advisor, he'll know I'm not good enough for the good schools, and what if he doesn't think Umich is a good place to go for what I want to go for? what if he thinks what I want to go for is crazy (which it is--I know that. I have no idea why I want to study this, and I'll probably go crazy and drop out midway through it)? What will I do if I don't go to grad school? Seriously. I have never thought of my life without a PhD. I don't know what to do as a backup plan, and I'm doing what I always do when I'm scared--nothing. And if I don't get off my ass and do *something*, I won't be able to do anything. I'm signed up for the GREs, so that's something positive, but it's also a whole boatload of freakout. Because I have to do well on them. I have to do *so* well on them. And it just locks me up. I can't to grad school if I mess up. and I don't know what I'll do if I can't go next year. Other than have many more panic attacks
I don't function well without a job. That's the other reason I'm having a meltdown. My mom's going to send me to Alaska if I don't shape up. I forget things as soon as she asks me to do them--from the time I say, "sure, no problem," till I find a pen to write it down, and it's gone from my brain. I don't even remember that I'm supposed to be doing something. So she's not happy with me, I'm not happy, I'm not writing because I still miss my laptop, I'm not taking my laptop anywhere to get looked at, because if they say can't be fixed, I'll cry. And if they say I will have to pay $300 to get it fixed, I'll cry. I need to go through my GRE book, but I'd rather futz around online all day and do *nothing* over all, and then stay up too late so I actually go to sleep when go to bed, and get more sleep than I need, but still not want to get out of bed in the morning. And I know I'm depressed, but I can't afford meds, and I don't need them anyway. I *need* a job. I need to be doing something with my brain. No word yet on the campus library job, and *nothing* in the paper lately that's even remotely interesting. I need to clean up--we have a new dishwasher, new vacuum cleaner, all that, so it should be easy now, but the kitchen is cold, and I forget that I can turn the heat up, so it's easier to sit here and shiver. I need to learn to drive, but it scares me--I'm going to have to take the test, and the instructor will sit on my bad side, and I won't hear him right, and I'll fail. I think too much. And the more upset I get, the more I think. This is why I don't date. You should hear me explain it to you. It's impressive.
And I hate this story because I can't get it to work right, or at least not quickly. And I miss my big guy friends from school, cause I don't have anyone who I can weep all over who will hug me and let me pretend, just for a moment, that they're mine. I don't even have any girl friends right now, right here. You all have your own lives, and I'm glad of that, glad you're not all sad and lonely and such, but damn I'm jealous sometimes. I don't want your life. I just want a life. I want to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and I want a job. I am just pathetic when I'm not interacting with people. And I know I could visit people, but really, I can't. I am a *freak* when I travel. I get panic attacks, and I get too close to breaking down in the bus station at the slightest thing, and I can't do it, even though I miss people and know I'd be happier if I just had stuff to do, people to see.
And I've just been weepy for the last half-hour or so, writing this, and my head aches from crying, so it's probably time for me to save this stupid file and go to be. Remember--I love you, I'm just having a bad day. Too much excitement, probably. I'm not used to doing anything.
I'm freaking out about grad school and doing *nothing* right now. I need to ask people for recommendation letters, but I'm scared to. I pretty much decided I want to go to Umich because I want to go to Umich--I have no idea about the quality of their program, just that it looks like I'd be able to study what I want to study, they have teachers who may have studied similar things, and my language requirements are all but met at least on paper. but I have no idea if they're a good place to go for this. I have other places I'd like to go too, but I'm sure beyond a doubt that I'm not good enough to go there. And I'll apply there because I'm like that and I don't care, but I'm scared to ask my advisor to write me a letter of recommendation because he was my advisor, he'll know I'm not good enough for the good schools, and what if he doesn't think Umich is a good place to go for what I want to go for? what if he thinks what I want to go for is crazy (which it is--I know that. I have no idea why I want to study this, and I'll probably go crazy and drop out midway through it)? What will I do if I don't go to grad school? Seriously. I have never thought of my life without a PhD. I don't know what to do as a backup plan, and I'm doing what I always do when I'm scared--nothing. And if I don't get off my ass and do *something*, I won't be able to do anything. I'm signed up for the GREs, so that's something positive, but it's also a whole boatload of freakout. Because I have to do well on them. I have to do *so* well on them. And it just locks me up. I can't to grad school if I mess up. and I don't know what I'll do if I can't go next year. Other than have many more panic attacks
I don't function well without a job. That's the other reason I'm having a meltdown. My mom's going to send me to Alaska if I don't shape up. I forget things as soon as she asks me to do them--from the time I say, "sure, no problem," till I find a pen to write it down, and it's gone from my brain. I don't even remember that I'm supposed to be doing something. So she's not happy with me, I'm not happy, I'm not writing because I still miss my laptop, I'm not taking my laptop anywhere to get looked at, because if they say can't be fixed, I'll cry. And if they say I will have to pay $300 to get it fixed, I'll cry. I need to go through my GRE book, but I'd rather futz around online all day and do *nothing* over all, and then stay up too late so I actually go to sleep when go to bed, and get more sleep than I need, but still not want to get out of bed in the morning. And I know I'm depressed, but I can't afford meds, and I don't need them anyway. I *need* a job. I need to be doing something with my brain. No word yet on the campus library job, and *nothing* in the paper lately that's even remotely interesting. I need to clean up--we have a new dishwasher, new vacuum cleaner, all that, so it should be easy now, but the kitchen is cold, and I forget that I can turn the heat up, so it's easier to sit here and shiver. I need to learn to drive, but it scares me--I'm going to have to take the test, and the instructor will sit on my bad side, and I won't hear him right, and I'll fail. I think too much. And the more upset I get, the more I think. This is why I don't date. You should hear me explain it to you. It's impressive.
And I hate this story because I can't get it to work right, or at least not quickly. And I miss my big guy friends from school, cause I don't have anyone who I can weep all over who will hug me and let me pretend, just for a moment, that they're mine. I don't even have any girl friends right now, right here. You all have your own lives, and I'm glad of that, glad you're not all sad and lonely and such, but damn I'm jealous sometimes. I don't want your life. I just want a life. I want to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and I want a job. I am just pathetic when I'm not interacting with people. And I know I could visit people, but really, I can't. I am a *freak* when I travel. I get panic attacks, and I get too close to breaking down in the bus station at the slightest thing, and I can't do it, even though I miss people and know I'd be happier if I just had stuff to do, people to see.
And I've just been weepy for the last half-hour or so, writing this, and my head aches from crying, so it's probably time for me to save this stupid file and go to be. Remember--I love you, I'm just having a bad day. Too much excitement, probably. I'm not used to doing anything.
(no subject)
Oct. 16th, 2003 03:38 pm( What I'll probably call the coaltown story once I'm done with it )
( What I call it now. )
I love these boys so much. Everyone should listen to Unbelievable Truth. They're hard to find in the US, and they broke up, so there's no new stuff, but they're so worth finding.
( What I call it now. )
I love these boys so much. Everyone should listen to Unbelievable Truth. They're hard to find in the US, and they broke up, so there's no new stuff, but they're so worth finding.
(no subject)
Feb. 28th, 2002 12:51 amUnbelievable Truth - Arrogant Humility
Heaven sent me
To be with you
Watch above you
When you're sleeping
Whisper to you
If you're listening
Suffer when you
Start to fall too
Heaven sent me
To be with you
Watch above you
When you're sleeping
Whisper to you
If you're listening
Suffer when you
Start to fall too
(no subject)
Feb. 20th, 2002 08:40 pmI need to put this someplace for safe keeping, or I'll lose it again.
Nightlight, by Unbelievable Truth
A town is sleeping
Tucked up and content
I am walking
The only one awake
I have slipped out
Anything's possible
Nothing looks the same
I feel like a ghost
The spirits and the worms
Are driven underground
But they need a requiem
Or they'll be back somehow
Nothing will be the same
Sorry father, I had to wake you up
No, nothing's happened
I just got the urge to call
I know it's stupid
But something just made me want
To know that all is well
I was so afraid
The spirits and the worms
Are driven underground
But they need a requiem
Or they'll be back somehow
And I'll need to find another soul
And hold up 'till the morning
When everything makes sense
And I know that all is well
Okay, enough with that. I keep thinking there's a better title for Clanless in there, but I haven't weaseled it out yet.
Nightlight, by Unbelievable Truth
A town is sleeping
Tucked up and content
I am walking
The only one awake
I have slipped out
Anything's possible
Nothing looks the same
I feel like a ghost
The spirits and the worms
Are driven underground
But they need a requiem
Or they'll be back somehow
Nothing will be the same
Sorry father, I had to wake you up
No, nothing's happened
I just got the urge to call
I know it's stupid
But something just made me want
To know that all is well
I was so afraid
The spirits and the worms
Are driven underground
But they need a requiem
Or they'll be back somehow
And I'll need to find another soul
And hold up 'till the morning
When everything makes sense
And I know that all is well
Okay, enough with that. I keep thinking there's a better title for Clanless in there, but I haven't weaseled it out yet.
