The inherent wickedness of boys

[tanaise]

People who've heard me talk about boys before have probably heard about Tom. He's probably my biggest regret--how stupid is that? To look back and think, "I really should have slept with him." But it's easy to say that now, cause I don't have to deal with the rest of the equation from here--my best friend, the lack of an invitation and all. But I should have. I don't know that it would have changed my whole life or anything, and I'm not saying that *not* sleeping with him ruined my life. It's just something I wish was different about my life.

Anyways, someone remind me to write to Tom tomorrow. I miss him again suddenly. I think, though I can't really tell him this, that I compare everyone I meet to him, that's why I'm always disappointed. So far Paul's the only one who comes really close, and I think we can all see how well that's going to work. I wish I could say that I feel imediately in love with Tom, but I didn't. I thought he was weird looking, all angles and fuzzy hair. He just grew on me.

Tom's married now, see. And he told one of my friends not to write to him again, and I took that to mean me too, though I wasn't addressed directly. but, as she pointed out, I didn't screw him over, so he's got no direct reason to not want to talk to me. So I think maybe it's time to try. I wrote him a paper letter just before I heard he was married, but that was ages ago, and I never heard anything back about it either. But I know where he's going to school, and I'll look up his address there and write to him, just because I suddenly have to.

It's stupid! I haven't seen this boy in 4 years, I haven't been allowed to have a crush on him in 6, and I miss him so much sometimes it can make me weepy. I was better for a while though--it's been months, maybe even a year, since he's made me that sad. I'm trying to get over him--well, it's not exactly over, cause I wasn't ever under him, but I'm trying to work him into my past instead of letting him lapse over into my present when he's not allowed to be. Except those days when i fairly wallow in it. I miss him.

Comments

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Hey, it's tomorrow - write to Tom!

[two-star.livejournal.com]

I feel similarly about my friend Ann. She was the best friend I've ever had, (which is probably still not a terribly close friendship by most people's standards,) and there was always a bit of a sexual undertone to our friendship, so I always kinda figured we'd get together someday. And then she stopped talking to me. (long story, which I won't get into here.) I miss her a lot. I've attempted to contact her, but I only know her mom's address and phone, and she's since moved out, and she hasn't responded to my attempts to communicate, so that's that.