(no subject)

[tanaise]

So, my best friend has a boyfriend who hadn't contacted her in a while, even though she'd seen him a couple of times, and left a message and such. So she pretty much figured he wasn't interested, and called one last time. So he writes to her, a big long letter (which I figure is always a good sign, cause who's going to waste time talking to someone you're not interested in?) And there, towards the end is this sentence.

"However, sometimes I think you are too quick to apologize for matters which are not your fault."

And I started thinking about it. And he's right. And I do it too. I assume that the world revolves around me a lot more than it does, but not in a really possitive manner. If I write the last email, and no one writes back, then it's my fault. I said something wrong. I did something wrong. I made a Canadian joke, and his mother's canadian. However! I think that we have very good reasons for doing it, and in a way, it's something that people who interact with us have to learn to deal with. I know because of my father, I often assume *I've* done something wrong, that it's my fault someone isn't talking, or is mad. We're very insecure about some aspects of our life because we're so used to a lack of feedback being a bad sign. Not a 'no problems, keep going' sign. I am very gradually retraining myself, but 25 years of conditioning is hard to overcome. My friend's dad was much the same in that way--he didn't say, "you didn't do X" or "You did Y wrong," he just walked around in a pissy mood, and waited for you to *know* what you'd done wrong. So when someone's in a bad mood around me, I seriously panic, cause it might be my fault. And I try and make it not my fault.

My problem is, to what extent is this someone else's problem? I'm trying to give my friend advice, and all I can think to say is "explain briefly why you do this, tell him that because you are insecure about a lack of communication, you'll work on not taking things personally if he'll try a little harder to give you positive feedback." What else can I say? Is there anything else I can say?

Comments

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

I made a Canadian joke, and his mother's canadian.

Well, HE may have taken offense but I doubt she did. I can assure you, we Canucks spend a lot of time mocking ourselves. It's a national pastime of sorts ;)

As for the guy's comment to your friend ... maybe she can just take it as guidance, not as criticism. It may not require a response? (I guess I'm not seeing a clear connection between his sentence and your "explain briefly ... " one)

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't think it was criticism. The thing is, it's also not something that she can just stop doing. Or at least, it's not something I can just stop doing. And so someone who is going to be part of our lives is going to have to understand why we act the way we do.

[podling]

Well really, I think it's hard just because even when you *do* understand the reasons behind behavior, it can still a) catch you off guard and b) annoy you. Having said that, I think you love people because of and in spite of their quirks. It is something that people in your life have to get used to, just as you have to get used to them, but not everyone is going to want to take the time to do it, which sucks, because then you end up in a "but i still love him!" camp.

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know this is a really old post, but was this about you? or must it be about one of my other friends? Cause I always assume they're about you, but then that's just because I'm Andrea-centric.

[la-belledame.livejournal.com]

Um, if you think 25 years of conditioning is hard to break, try 43. (Bosnia is entirely my fault, by the way.)

I think explaining how she "is" is really good advice. Also, she might try watching for self deprecating or diminishing comments that she might be making. For example, in letters or e-mail, I try really hard not to say "Well, I'll stop boring you" or "I guess I should stop taking up your time" or things that make it sound as if I'm less of a person. I do have to do this consciously, though.

And I'm a person who craves feedback as well, but I try more to remember that the people I feel closest to are not always the people I hear from a lot.