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tanaiseI hung up the phone today, after a perfectly normal conversation--if anything, even, a good conversation, an "if you miss me, you can call me" conversation. I hung up the phone and all i wanted to do was burst into tears.
Hormones really suck.
I *think*, after I thought about it for a bit this evening that it's jealousy--I'm jealous that he gets to see the boy whose visit I'm looking forward to a week before I get to see him. And yes, he was his friend before me, and yes, they're better friends than I am, but still, I get jealous. I like to avoid being jealous about normal things, and would instead like to get jealous about ridiculous things. It's a reminder that Im not as cool as I'd like to be, that I'm not the reason the boy is visiting, and if KB wasn't around, the boy wouldn't be visiting at all. Oh, he might call and we'd get coffee, I suppose, if he came up here, but I'm not the reason he comes up here, and reminders like that bother me a lot lately.
It's all back to that first choice thing from a couple of months ago. I want to be the reason someone does something, I want to be the first person they think of, I want anyone else to just be settling. And yes, this is mean and jealous and dog-in-the-manger-ish, but tough. I need to be tired of being second choice, because I keep picking boys to love who make me second choice, and I need to stop doing that. It's fine if I love them, but I need to keep looking for first choice boys.
My mother said to me once when I was talking to her, "You're going to end up all by yourself, but with hordes of boys who love you dearly," and lately she feels right. It's either that or I'll be someone's second wife. (as in after the first, not mormonism.) and I see nothing wrong with that, in theory, but it has to be a choice, not a last resort.
Man. The good things--when someone comes home excited and seeks *me* out to tell *me* something that made them happy--that's like the best thing ever lately. It's as close as I get to first choice lately (and the only thing good about being second choice is at least I'm not 3rd or 4th, I'm still at least someone they want to spend time with, even if it's not perfect), but it's just not right yet. I won't give them up if I don't have to, but I don't think I'm getting any better any time soon, though I do think I'm taking steps in the right directions. They're small steps, but more than I've done for years. I need to be braver, and it's just not happening.
How hard would it be to give the boy at the cafe a copy of the valentine picture as an 'apology' for not inviting him to watch the parade from our prime real estate? Well, utterly terrifying, really. Especially since I got scared last week and avoided him for the last couple of days, so I haven't even talked to him about the weather in like a week. I mean, I can script the whole thing out in my head, I just can't say a word. I can't do anything but smile at them, and considering that nothing's happened yet, I'm clearly going to have to try something fancier, and yet, I can't.
And that's enough of a summary of my relative levels of craziness lately, so I'm off to bed. Where I'll probably be neurotic and have anxiety dreams about the same boy who used to show up in my anxiety dreams to calm me down. Crap. I suck at relationships so much I can destroy them before they even exist.
Hormones really suck.
I *think*, after I thought about it for a bit this evening that it's jealousy--I'm jealous that he gets to see the boy whose visit I'm looking forward to a week before I get to see him. And yes, he was his friend before me, and yes, they're better friends than I am, but still, I get jealous. I like to avoid being jealous about normal things, and would instead like to get jealous about ridiculous things. It's a reminder that Im not as cool as I'd like to be, that I'm not the reason the boy is visiting, and if KB wasn't around, the boy wouldn't be visiting at all. Oh, he might call and we'd get coffee, I suppose, if he came up here, but I'm not the reason he comes up here, and reminders like that bother me a lot lately.
It's all back to that first choice thing from a couple of months ago. I want to be the reason someone does something, I want to be the first person they think of, I want anyone else to just be settling. And yes, this is mean and jealous and dog-in-the-manger-ish, but tough. I need to be tired of being second choice, because I keep picking boys to love who make me second choice, and I need to stop doing that. It's fine if I love them, but I need to keep looking for first choice boys.
My mother said to me once when I was talking to her, "You're going to end up all by yourself, but with hordes of boys who love you dearly," and lately she feels right. It's either that or I'll be someone's second wife. (as in after the first, not mormonism.) and I see nothing wrong with that, in theory, but it has to be a choice, not a last resort.
Man. The good things--when someone comes home excited and seeks *me* out to tell *me* something that made them happy--that's like the best thing ever lately. It's as close as I get to first choice lately (and the only thing good about being second choice is at least I'm not 3rd or 4th, I'm still at least someone they want to spend time with, even if it's not perfect), but it's just not right yet. I won't give them up if I don't have to, but I don't think I'm getting any better any time soon, though I do think I'm taking steps in the right directions. They're small steps, but more than I've done for years. I need to be braver, and it's just not happening.
How hard would it be to give the boy at the cafe a copy of the valentine picture as an 'apology' for not inviting him to watch the parade from our prime real estate? Well, utterly terrifying, really. Especially since I got scared last week and avoided him for the last couple of days, so I haven't even talked to him about the weather in like a week. I mean, I can script the whole thing out in my head, I just can't say a word. I can't do anything but smile at them, and considering that nothing's happened yet, I'm clearly going to have to try something fancier, and yet, I can't.
And that's enough of a summary of my relative levels of craziness lately, so I'm off to bed. Where I'll probably be neurotic and have anxiety dreams about the same boy who used to show up in my anxiety dreams to calm me down. Crap. I suck at relationships so much I can destroy them before they even exist.
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Date: 2005-02-16 02:28 pm (UTC):-p
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Date: 2005-02-16 03:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 03:28 pm (UTC)Hehehehe.
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Date: 2005-02-16 05:05 pm (UTC)Yes, YOU DO! So you need to quit sabotaging yourself and consider yourself worthy of such. Right the f*ck now.
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Date: 2005-02-16 05:38 pm (UTC)I know this is me, and what's me may not work for someone else. But I know that it's a heckuva lot easier to not worry/feel bad about things (and people) when I have something to do other than worrying/feeling bad, and that constantly being around the things (and people) that I'm worrying about is kind of a pressure cooker. It makes things worse. Whereas, if I have other things to do and that make me feel good, even an hour a day away from the fret zone leaves me muuuch saner and happier.
That is, I wonder if being around the cook all the time makes you hypersensitive to what he's doing (or not doing), especially if you don't have things of your own to go off and do and enjoy?
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Date: 2005-02-16 06:18 pm (UTC)The nicest thing about the job (other than the money, of course) was that I suddenly no longer felt like I was in a pressure cooker about KB. And I'm only fretting about NC boy because of hormones (well, and maybe a little boredom as well in there).