(no subject)

[tanaise]

So, I wear the same 'uniform' to work every day for two and a half months. Khakis and a short sleeved shirt of some sort, usually a dressy t-shirt. And then last week, after a) a hellish week before on many levels and b) total lack of interest in many things due to the hell week and the ditching by KB, I wore whatever I felt like. Still not trashy looking--cargo khakis and a heather grey t-shirt, a black velvet skirt, various other slightly less dressy things. still at least the level of the boys who are wearing jeans and denim and t-shirts and the like, depending on the exact boy (new office boy is well dressed, old office boy is a little less so, I think, and the boy with a thing for japanese girls the least fancy. No one says anything, and then yesterday while I was working in the boys' room (the office with the office boys working there), one of them says something about me being dressed up again. gah. 2.5 months, dressed better than them, and I get "must be nice to wear business clothes again."
after a few days lapse into a more casual business casual. oh, can we say bite me, boys and girls? I think we can. Turned out, from the conversation I had with that boy while a group of us went to Dunkin Donuts for coffee that he actually did mean it as a compliment. I would know this because?

One of my housemates, after I mentioned something about KB, said, "You have a special sort of relationship with him, don't you," and I froze like a deer in the headlights. Of course, she just meant that he yells at me for missing meals. (I skipped lunch, in part due to one of the boys, who'd borrowed my keycard and didn't get it back to me for ages, and partly because I wasn't really hungry.)

I was supposed to have gone out for coffee with his friend some time this week, but no luck so far, and I don't know that he'll have time before he leaves. Which does make me sad. I like him--not like-like, but if he was staying in Boston, I'd probably date him, at least a couple of times--he's funny, he's so cute, he's sweet, and he has a southern accent. What's not to like? He is younger than me, and some part of me is always sure that others can tell when we're out together that he's just barely past legal drinking age (a year), and that they're going to, I don't know, stop me and yell at me for being with someone too young and too cute for me. I get similar fears with KB--not the age, for some reason, but I'm always sure other people look at us and try and figure out why he's walking with me, and if they think, 'he could do so much better than her." I dress up when we're going out anywhere in public when I'm with the boy, wear my good jeans and a belt, find a work t-shirt or one of my nice tank tops, make sure my hair looks good. Cause I know that everyone looks at me, and I know I lose. And some of it is insecurity, but some of it is just plain honesty--he's gorgeous, and i'm short and chunky looking, possibly even more so now that my clothing doesn't fit anymore. I'm hoping to get to cambridge on Saturday, as I want to hit a thrift shop over there and get at least *something* that fits me. I wish I could just nip home for a minute, so I could find my DC work clothes, which I carefully set aside for just this contingency, but then my mom cleaned up my room, and now she can't tell where they are.

Comments

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

You're short??? How tall are you? (I keep picturing everyone as taller than me!)

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

That's okay, I always picture myself as being tall too. I think it's why I hate mirrors so much, because inside I'm 5'6" or 5'7", and outside I'm 5'4", though I usually wear platform-ish sandles. Let me see if I can find a picture of me with someone else for scale purposes.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I'm 5'6". Oh dear. Hannah did this to me, too.

I do not usually wear any kind of heel, though, so I may still come back from WorldCon feeling on the shortish side.

[palinade.livejournal.com]

Stand next to me and you will feel tall. Hee-hee.

Really.

I'm serious.

*wink*

(I'm only 4'11", so....)

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I once drew a cartoon of myself with the teeeeeeny tiny elderly Japanese ladies who used the pool at the same time as I did that summer. They come up to my waist and are saying things like "Please excuse me" and "So very sorry" (which is what they did actually say to me, mostly, for no reason I could tell). I am waving an axe and shouting, "RRRAHHHHH!"

I really am not that much of a strapping Viking lass, compared to my cousins or the other Viking lass types I went to college with. My strappingness is sub-average. And I hang out with men a lot. So I adjusted my mental picture from the above-mentioned cartoon.

I think I adjusted too much.

Also, I have the alarming tendency to assume that anyone who is bigger than me must also be taller than me. I've noticed error rates in my estimations of around 4". This is, as I said, alarming.

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Who cares what other people think? Stop being so insecure, you! You're adorable. So there! And no, I haven't had percocet yet.

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

I care! I apparently care a lot. I'm not sure why though. I actually blame Clarion for it--before then I didn't care about walking around looking like a dumpy college student. I seriously seem to have picked up some very odd habits which trace back to about the time I came back from Clarion, and I don't know why. Perhaps I'll have a post about them some time soon.

[rudi.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... that is odd. It's not like we were the fashion Clarion or anything :)

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

No, it's not like I changed because of Clarion. It's like Clarion changed me, in some strange way. I apologize all the time now, for things I haven't even done, to the point that it's annoying *me* how often I say "I'm sorry." And as best as I can tell, it's a post-Clarion habit, and one I'd rather not have. I'm sure there's other reasons I picked up these things, but I suspect even those reasons are related to Clarion.

And the worst thing is that I don't *like* dressing other than like a college student, at least not most of the time. I like big t-shirts and jeans. I just want my jeans to fit a little better, so I don't look like a sloppy, poor college student.

[palinade.livejournal.com]

I have this bad habit, too. It's the most comfortable thing to wear, for me--jeans and tees. Or shorts and tees. Or anything that can be pulled over the head and isn't restrictive. I do not like tailored clothes, but alas, they do look good on. I just chafe and pull and feel like I'm wearing some kind of turtle shell.

But then, I'm not the delicate flower of a lady some people seem to think I ought to be. I have bad posture and curl up in chairs, plunk down on the floor in a definite un-lady-like fashion. :-)