Just because you're alienated doesn't mean you're really an alien"

[tanaise]

When my mother was my age she was married. She met my dad when she was about mid-24, was married a quarter past 25. I remembered that this morning, randomly. And suddenly, all I wanted to do was crawl back in bed until I no longer felt so miserable.

Of course, I couldn't, so I got up and did a lot of nothingness all day. I'd stayed up way too late last night, and between that and feeling icky over all, I was just not much good all day. My mom yelled at me. She always yells at me, it's not such a big deal. She knows I'm not happy, she just thinks if I do stuff, I'll feel better. I want to help, it's just that the stuff that needs done is stuff I hate doing. That's why it's not done. I'm having no problem clipping dead branches out of the hedge, for example, but the kitchen table can stay piled with stuff. I did some things, then fell asleep on the chair for a couple of hours.

Woke up, read two books--Getting over Jack Wagner (a sign that it's a little old for me--I have no idea who he is, but I knew everyone else mentioned, though only from oldies shows. I think it's about 5 years old for me yet.) , and Single Wife, another of my melancholy almost-/post-romances. They make me sad, more so than happily-ever-after romances do. I guess I want the happily ever after, I don't want the reminder that after the after there's still sad stuff. It's not just the books that make me sad, it's the reminder that I'm growing up, and things are changing from pen-and-ink to charcoal, and I miss that clarity.

I don't much like being sad. I don't care that I'm not married. I think I've met two boys in my life who I seriously wish I'd dated, so it's not like I have an "I should have" in my past. But that's sort of what makes me sad. I'm not married, I'm not dating, and I'm living at my mom's in Central PA, so it's not like that's going to change any time soon. I haven't even talked to a guy since I moved here, other than Shelle's boyfriend and my brother's friends, neither of which count for my purposes. No one my age. No one I'm interested in, even just as a friend. This is what I miss from work. The money, of course, but the reason I stayed in that job for 3 years is that I loved working with smart people, with guys who didn't mind me knowing stuff they didn't. It's very lonely here. I'm blessed with lots of online friends--all of you, for example--but I miss real people.

Comments

[silme.livejournal.com]

I didn't get married until I was 40, and I dated both genders! ;) You've plenty of time, sweetie. :)

Why China Miéville writes science fiction

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

The actual romance is designed to make you happy. Like the vast body of generic European fantasy, heartwarming feel-good movies, and Shakespearean marriage comedies, the message of "no matter how dark things look, everything comes out well in the end" is comforting.

The after-the-happily-ever-after stories are (a) more literary and (b) sadder, I think, because they force us to face up to the aggravating truth that you're never done working, even when it seems like things have gotten better.

It's sad because it's accurante, rather than being propaganda. *g*

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Well, it's not like outer boondocks, PA, has that much of a swinging social life, is it? Plus that whole not driving thing--it kind of locks you into staying home at this point.

But it's not un-doable. You can always move elsewhere (in a while--I'm thinking you might need money first); you can learn to drive.

Of course, there's also the fact that moving back home immediately makes you feel like a teenager again, and seems to bring back all those feelings of inadequacy most of us had, no matter how old you are.

As far as the dating thing, well, you know, find a guy and jump him. :-) When our parents got married, the world was different and people got married a heck of a lot younger. It totally freaks me out that my mom was divorced by my age, let alone had 3 kids. Shudder. You really can't compare that. As far as how quickly they got married? That's something that can't really be compared either. I think getting to know someone first is a better idea, but that's me. :-)

Now comes the part where I'd recommend counseling and stuff. Are there places around that have sliding scales and stuff like that, since you're not working? Just a suggestion...

[eudaimonia.livejournal.com]

But getting married just for the sake of getting married because you're lonely and start comparing yourself to others is a really really bad idea. I was in the same situation as you almost exactly when I met my first husband. I had left school, wasn't sure where I wanted to go and was living at my parents house back in Walla Walla. Actually, I was living in a tent in the backyard. And I was the same age, too (25). It looked like a very good way out of a lonely situation and he was good looking and really liked me. Bad, bad bad idea. I didn't get to know him well enough and was stuck with him for too many years. It's not a good idea to start out in a relationship with someone when you have low self-esteem and are depressed to begin with.

Speaking of which... you might want to listen to Jenny. Sounds like you are getting depressed. Even if you can't get counseling at a reasonable rate a regular medical doctor can help. There's usually low income health clinics in most communities. I know, it's what I had to do. Hugs.

[silme.livejournal.com]

You know, the more I think about it, the friends I have who married in their early-mid twenties are all divorced now. Some of them married AND divorced in their twenties.

I almost married at 23-24. I had the chance. I'm SO glad I didn't. We would have been divorced before I turned 30; I know it.

I agree with the others -- maybe consider learning how to drive? The test is easy in PA; I think you still don't even have to take it on actual roads -- it's still a driving course. I think. :)

[creed-of-hubris.livejournal.com]

Driving is overrated. Polluting, dangerous, just a bad idea until they fix cars. But Central PA is no good for public transportation, unfortunately. (Neither is Rochester, which is why I live within walking distance of campus.)

Talking with smart people is not overrated.

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

Love you, babygirl. You so rock, I don't get the boy thing at all. Crazy.