(no subject)

You know those times when you say something to fill a pause, and realize immediately how little you wanted to say what you just said? How it's the last thing in the whole entire world that you wanted to say just then, and how badly you've just screwed yourself by saying it? I know everyone else has them too. I just feel like I'm the only person who has them. That sudden sinking feeling as I hear myself talking, and my desperate wish that I could just zzzip, rewind over that moment, and say what I'd meant to say but didn't. "Yes, you" I was trying to say. "Someone completely different" is what I did say. Could I be any worse at communicating? How can I write about these things when I can't manage a convincing life as it is?

Weird dream

40 minute nap. Not enough sleep, but I get so groggy if I nap too long.
I was teasing this boy, and he 'chased' me. So I stopped him by grabbing him at his waist, and holding him back away from him. And we stood there looking at each other for the longest moment, and I was thinking,"You should really kiss him. Go on, kiss him!" And then the damn dream switched. To someone throwing math dissertations at me from a bicycle. I know I did not request a surreal dream. One about being kissed, quite possibly. surrealism, no way.

(no subject)

I think not trying something, even if it means juggling your life to accommodate it, is worse than having to compromise with your life in other areas. If your life is that precariously balanced, it's in danger anyways. May as well endanger it over something you really want. It's not going to be easy, but it never is. It was hard to come here. It will be hard to leave here. But I want to leave here knowing I took advantage of the opportunities that I was offered here. Oh, sure, it would probably never work out. but if it did, how lovely would that be? And how much would it suck to miss out on that because I didn't try?

I'm your babydoll (anachronistic subject, but you'll have to deal with it.)

podling (Andrea) says I'm a life-sized dresden China doll. Which she assures me is okay, because even boys like playing with dolls.

I only got 4 hours of sleep last night as well. Which makes 9, well, possibly more like 10 for two days. I'm too perky to be operating on this little sleep. I can tell what the side effects are though--I'm yo-yoing between too cold and too hot. Internal temperature regulator is going heywire.