The inherent wickedness of boys

People who've heard me talk about boys before have probably heard about Tom. He's probably my biggest regret--how stupid is that? To look back and think, "I really should have slept with him." But it's easy to say that now, cause I don't have to deal with the rest of the equation from here--my best friend, the lack of an invitation and all. But I should have. I don't know that it would have changed my whole life or anything, and I'm not saying that *not* sleeping with him ruined my life. It's just something I wish was different about my life.

Anyways, someone remind me to write to Tom tomorrow. I miss him again suddenly. I think, though I can't really tell him this, that I compare everyone I meet to him, that's why I'm always disappointed. So far Paul's the only one who comes really close, and I think we can all see how well that's going to work. I wish I could say that I feel imediately in love with Tom, but I didn't. I thought he was weird looking, all angles and fuzzy hair. He just grew on me.

Tom's married now, see. And he told one of my friends not to write to him again, and I took that to mean me too, though I wasn't addressed directly. but, as she pointed out, I didn't screw him over, so he's got no direct reason to not want to talk to me. So I think maybe it's time to try. I wrote him a paper letter just before I heard he was married, but that was ages ago, and I never heard anything back about it either. But I know where he's going to school, and I'll look up his address there and write to him, just because I suddenly have to.

It's stupid! I haven't seen this boy in 4 years, I haven't been allowed to have a crush on him in 6, and I miss him so much sometimes it can make me weepy. I was better for a while though--it's been months, maybe even a year, since he's made me that sad. I'm trying to get over him--well, it's not exactly over, cause I wasn't ever under him, but I'm trying to work him into my past instead of letting him lapse over into my present when he's not allowed to be. Except those days when i fairly wallow in it. I miss him.

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My laptop is shown as still being in IL. I'm fretting. I want it here, now, and it's supposed to be delivered this afternoon or so, and that just seems like a rather long way to go in a rather short period of time. I'll only complain if it hasn't been updated by tomorrow.

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Okay, my laptop's here. Alas, I have no carrying case, even though one should have come with us. So I complained about it, and then when I got home I check through my deleted mail, and sure enough, they sold it to me with a carrying case.

And I could have really used the case today. It started raining as I walking home. Now, any other day I would have loved it--I love the smell of warm wet pavement, and I love getting soaking wet, and splashing in puddles, and I'm wearing my lovely new vintage cut jeans which fit perfectly but are a little long, so they drag in puddles. Which I know because I was wearing my nice sandals, so I slipped them off for the walk, which was a good idea because my shoes get stretched when they're wet but bad because my foot is still not healed from 2+ weeks ago, and was particularly owie when I was barefoot. And caring a laptop in my arms and an umbrella, and a bag over my shoulder--I was impressed at me. I'm really such a wimp.

Oh, and I told one woman walking her pug puppy to be careful because there were flash flood warnings and he's so small, one big downpour...:)

Ring out the Bells

I'm so lonely
God won't know me
I can hardly get up
I sold my halo
Back in April
Now I can't hold my head up

So ring out the bell
I'll fly where there's someone to tell
My shoulders are colder since I fell

Someone see me
Feel me breathing
Someone get me closer
If I see sunrise
And screw up my eyes
I don't feel so lonesome

So ring out the bell
I'll fly where there's someone to tell
My shoulders are colder since I fell

I'm doing fine
I'm getting by
Tell me what I should do
God knows why I'm
Watching the sky
It's so blue

One fine morning
Without warning
I'll go through the
Blue sky
Until I do I'll
Wait for you
So I can get this right

So ring out the bell
I'll fly where there's someone to tell
My shoulders are colder since I fell
So ring out the bell
I'll fly where there's someone to tell
My shoulders are colder since I fell