(no subject)

I'm currently $80 short of rent for this month. I've earned the money, I just won't get paid until technically after the date my rent is due. I have to stop and ask one of the directors when they'll be depositing the rent checks, to make sure that the money will be there, though I'm pretty sure it will be by then. And then most of the rest of that check will go for my credit card bill, bah. My dad wants me to pull all the money from my mutual fund and pay off a big chunk of my credit cards. I think I'm going to compromise and pay off the smaller card with the wicked high interest rate. I *like* having that money there, even if it's doing less good than it might somewhere else.

My mom is also feeling extravagent (and getting a loan) and may buy me a pair of shoes. I need new slides, since the ones I have now are nearly dead. I can't find replacement slides, but I may have found a new pair of sneaker/moc hybrids: Primo Breeze II, which is something sensible like $70, so my mom might get me them. I really want the $185 shiny black leather slides that Dansko has, but I know that's not in the budget now, so I'm not even trying them on. *pine*. Maybe I could sell a story and buy them.

I still need to call my temp agency back. I really don't want to, cause she's going to say they wouldn't give me a raise, and I'm going to have to start pushing her and other temp agencies to find me something else long term and better paying. And I worry that won't be possible, and that I'll end up instead having no job at all instead of one that just doesn't pay enough.

Gin Blossoms concert on sunday at the city hall plaza. whee! And x-men2 at the esplande tonight, but also killer mosquitoes, so maybe I'll just stay in and watch Flickering Lights ("Our life lies behind us in the flickering lights," is the quote I need someone to identify for me), which *will* play on the DVD player, just not on my laptop.

Don't worry

I'm not desperate--I'm not broke--I'm just very carefully balanced right now. And things like skipping a day of work are just not possible for me right now. I get jealous at the house some days, when my roommate skips work because, essentially, she doesn't feel like going to work, or she stayed up too late the night before, or others take a week off because they were planning on leaving the city for the DNC. *So* jealous. Even the cook has taken a day off.

I just keep reminding myself that a simple life is something to strive for, and that I'm much better off than plenty of other people. I just...I miss being abel to be extravagent. I miss eating out. I miss buying presents for people--I still owe a shower gift for a wedding I'm not even going to be able to afford to go to. I can't afford to officially attend worldcon, and even if I could, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to spend the money for it (I do however plan on hanging out in the bar and crashing all crashable things, though I can't promise I'll be able to go for meals with people). I miss going out for fun, and I hate not being able to do anything with the people in my house--the one night I went out, someone else bought me my drinks, and if KB (or anyone, really) asked me to the movies again, I'd have to argue with myself over it.

And it's not very much fun, and it's stressful and I end up crying in the elevator up to my room after work some days, and I hate hate hate hate feeling like I'm starting over again from scratch, despite the fact that I have experience and skills and even some fairly mad skillz, but I still love being here. Really. It still makes me happy, even when the job sucks, and chai boy is on vacation, and KB has been renamed kitchen dork by all of my friends, and my friday night plans *might* include a trip to Victoria's Secret because I put my thumb through a bra, which means there's at least one more ready to die as well, but might not because of the afore mentioned lack of money (hello, Mr. Credit Card). Even when there've been helicopters over my neighborhood all week, and I walked past 3 meter maids, 13 cops, 10-15 cops in riot gear, and about 10 cop cars in the block of Beacon Street that I walk between Charles and whatever the next one up is last night on my way home.

I don't know why, but instead of feeling like I'm sad with a happy layer on top, which I was for a long while, I keep getting annoyed because I really am happy underneath here, even if I keep crying over things. :)